Blog: Me, Myself and I Self Esteem Workshop: An Insight

Searching “#selfesteem”on instagram gives you an overwhelming 2.1million posts. Snappy posts that say “Be the type of person that you want to meet”, and “The lion does not turn around when the small dog barks” (?!).

The BACP (British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy) website gives you 2,382 articles on self-esteem. They are likely to be better informed than the instagram posts, granted. But what does it all actually mean?

Self esteem is the new buzz-word. A thing we’re all supposed to have, build and increase. We’re told if we have the magic wand that is “self-love” then we will be happier, find our soul-mate, boss our careers, have amazing bouncy hair, clear skin, be slim and therefore beautiful.

I’m not buying it.

At least not the social-media, picture perfect version of self-esteem anyway. In order to find a real sense of self-esteem, we kinda have to throw all that stuff in the bin and start from scratch. Start with you. Finding your self-worth isn't going to happen because you’ve read every single article, book and post or watched every TikTok there is on the subject. There absolutely is use, by the way, in filling your social feeds with accounts in a more self-esteem conscious way. i.e. unfollow every account that endorses toxic “diet pills” or hunger suppressants. Unfollow every account that you compare yourself to. Follow people that have bodies that don’t look like the ideal beauty standard. Follow accounts that aren’t about people’s bodies at all.

But what about you? Is that not what self-esteem is really about?

The confusion of self-esteem and confidence causes the many misconceptions we have about self-esteem. They are two separate ideas. When the proverbial lion doesn’t turn around to the barks of the small dog, it’s because the lion has confidence in itself- perhaps the confidence to know that the dog is smaller and not a threat, maybe the lion thinks that the dog is stupid, not worthy of it’s attention. This is the trouble with confidence- it’s an external mechanism and one that can result in hierarchies, rigid boundaries and even unkindness.

Confidence is also often about our capabilities and the things that we can do out there, in the world. Self-esteem is that internal sense we have that, even when we’re not doing anything, we are still of value; inside. If self-esteem were a lion being barked at by a small dog, it would turn around and acknowledge the small dog. It might even recognise that there has been a time when it was a lion cub, learning to roar. It would be able to face the small dog’s barks knowing that it can cope, survive and be resilient enough to still be the big lion.

(That was the last big lion/small dog reference, promise).

So when I talk about self-esteem with the people I work with- 1:1 or in the MMI workshop- I’m taking things a step further than confidence. We are delving into that space in you that informs how you feel about yourself. How this looks will probably impact your relationships, body image, career and friendships, but that’s sort of a bonus. As women, we are used to everything about our lives being dissected, pulled apart, analysed and criticised- are we beautiful enough? are we kind enough? are we bad-ass enough? do we do enough care-taking of others whilst also taking impeccable care of ourselves all of the time? do we care enough what others think, or do we care too much? I could go on…

The point is that doing this work has to be just about you- it must be selfish. And that’s not a bad thing! I want you to be more selfish- if you were, just imagine what might happen. What would you spend that time and energy on if you gave yourself permission to be more selfish? You might start that project you’re really passionate about, get a new job, go travel, change up your friendships or relationships, or maybe you’d just dye your hair the colour you’ve always wanted to. Whatever it is, as long as it’s completely for you, that’s coming from the space in you where you’ll find your self-esteem.