Blog: Working your way out of feeling stuck with inner conflict.
Most of the time when I’m working with people and we begin to explore the reasons that they have sought my help, we end up landing on an area of inner-conflict. This can sound like;
“I’m considering leaving my job/partner but I’m afraid”
“I have negative thoughts about myself but I want to feel more confident”
“I want to take better care of myself but I feel guilty”
“I want to work on my trauma, but I’m frightened”
…and so much more.
The way I understand inner conflict (both as a therapist, and as a real-life person that experiences it, too) is that we are each one person made up of multiple parts/aspects/whatever-you-want-to-call-them. Each part of us has different motivations, needs, desires, and even memories or emotions. So, there might be one part of you that knows how capable you are, and feels stagnant in a job where you’re no longer challenged. This part of you is ready to take the next step. There could also be a part of you that doubts your capabilities and feels insecure or frightened; it may be the part of you that hold the memories of times when you have heard from others that you are not capable, or times when you feel you’ve failed before. And so there lies the tug-of-war inside you that creates the uncomfortable push-pull. It can be super exhausting!
More often than not, what happens next is that we then get stuck. Inner conflict can be really debilitating because you might just become frozen. You might also become frustrated or angry- which can be directed out to others, or can come back in on yourself. Some people find that this feeling of inner conflict is completely anxiety-provoking. Because we are all individuals with our own histories, contexts, beliefs and experiences, we will all have different responses to becoming stuck when the parts of us are conflicted.
The way that we move forward from being stuck is, ironically, to stay still for a moment. This can seem counter-intuitive when everything about our culture tells us to keep moving, keep pushing, whatever you do- don't stop! But this constant movement can become toxic when it leads us to ignore what’s really happening in our inner worlds. When we are staying still, it becomes easier to listen to what is really happening within you. Once you’ve been able to hear what each part of you is saying, you can make a decision about what it is that you actually want to do. In listening to the part of you that is fearful about leaving your job, you will be able to hear that this part of you is remembering events, thoughts and feelings that you had a long time ago. You will be able to soothe the fear that this part of you holds, so that you can feel more free to take the next step in your growth as a person.
Having worked from this approach for some time, I’m well-attuned to listening out for inner-conflict when someone is describing what is happening to them. I hear it all the time! My role is to hold a space for you to be able to get closer to the different parts of you, get to know them, and open up a dialogue between them. Once this happens, I often see that the person I’m working with is feeling more relaxed- their shoulders drop, they breathe easier, and have a sense of hope where before there was only the hopelessness of feeling stuck.
